everybody goes through burnout, it’s different and hard for everyone, I know that. for me, and maybe for other people, its like going on autopilot. my mind is gone and everything I have, my body, work, school, friends, etc. is somewhere else.
my experiences with burnout is ceaseless it seems. I know what I want but I don’t know what i’m passionate about so it leads to the burnout build up, and it’ll be a random day in the shower when I realize I live on a cycle and everything seems to blank except my body. I wake up, go to emt, go to school, go to work, lay in my bed (because frankly, i’m too tired and lazy to do anything else), then I go to bed, and do the same thing over and over and over again everyday. maybe for others, that sounds like a dream, to have routine, and I like routine, but I also like not knowing what to expect in my day.
the fire department is good for me, somedays i’ll go in and be slammed with calls, and somedays it’ll be more dead than Archduke Franz Ferdinand. my only issue, with myself, is that I could absolutely love something with all my heart, but not have a passion for it; and that burns me out, putting all my time into something I love but don’t have a passion for, it makes me second guess my life choices sometimes.
like this blog, I love writing and sharing my life with others, but the blog itself isn’t something i’m passionate about, and I slack off, and it bites me in the butt, (lets be real though, that’s been my entire life), and I get so overwhelmed, relating to the blank routine, I try so hard in school, especially EMT, just to be rewarded with a 60% in return, its frustrating and enrages me and makes me want to give up everything i’ve ever done, then I go to work, work at a daycare that I really just don’t want to be at, not because of the kids or coworkers, but I couldn’t explain it to you, I just don’t enjoy being there. then I go home to a messy room and my hair feels dirty, and we have no food in the house, and I miss my sister, and I don’t see my friends enough, and when I see them they make references to TikTok I have no idea about because i’m not there to make those jokes with them, and I never want to leave my house but I pry myself out of bed and go to dinner at my boyfriends dads house, and I feel like a pig with lipstick on, and I remember I have a quiz and a packet for school due the next day, and I don’t get home around 9pm, then i’m not tired so I doom scroll on TikTok, and I go to bed, and wake up barely before the time I should be leaving the house, and its the same. thing. over. again. everyday.
that’s what burnout is to me. it’s a snowball thing, if you don’t catch it as a snowflake, before you know it, it’ll turn into the abominable snowman and eat you alive.
that’s all I have to say. I love you!